Mushroom Pie
by Hita-Chan
Summary: Tamaki finds a free food coupon and tells Kyoya it'd be a great way to start a new web series for the Host Club's website! But is it really worth it? Inspired by Smosh. T for language. Not Tamaki/Kyoya!


Mushroom Pie

Inspired by Smosh. :)

Disclaimer: I don't own the idea, or any of the characters from Ouran. I just own this version.

* * *

Kyoya sat in the music room, thinking of new things they could for the host club's website. He was having no luck coming up with ideas when his stomach growled. Suddenly the idea hit him! Lunchtime with the Hosts! He smirked, applauding himself for such a great idea when his cellphone went off.

"Yes Tamaki?"

"KYOYA! I'M STARVING!" the blonde shouted through the phone.

Kyoya cringed slightly, "Well Tamaki why don't we go get something to eat? It can be the first installment of our latest website video."

"That's a great idea, Kyoya! Hey I know exactly where we can go!" Tamaki sounded so happy with the idea that Kyoya actually shook his head at him.

"Okay, I'll be waiting outside the school."

"See you soon Kyoya~!" Tamaki cheered.

The dark haired teen pushed up his glasses, he packed up his things and walked out front. When he got there a car honked at him, he turned his head to look and saw Tamaki pulled up next to him in a fancy convertible. He rose an eyebrow and put his stuff in the back, climbing into the front.

"Where are we going Tamaki?" he asked, holding his camera.

"We are going to this place that left a free food coupon on my doorstep." Tamaki answered, smiling widely into the camera.

Kyoya turned the camera so he was looking into it, "Yeah this totally looks legit," he turned the camera on the coupon that had a little picture of an ice cream cone on the top and then a black Sharpie box with the words 'Free Food Coupon' written on it sloppily.

"Some guy left it on Tamaki's doorstep so we must eat there."

"It's free food though Mommy! We'll be living the commoners life!" Tamaki cried loudly.

"Yes, yes, free food. Yippee." Kyoya uttered sarcastically.

Tamaki pouted.

"If we die, I'm going to have some dirty thing written on your tombstone."

"That sounds gross." Tamaki complained.

"No it's going to say 'I'm a blonde and and an idiot.'" Kyoya responded, looking into the camera.

Tamaki looked sideways into the camera and pouted, again.

Kyoya scanned the area through the windows, "Tamaki, where the hell are we?"

"We're getting there! It's a little ways away, free food doesn't come easy Kyoya." Tamaki stated seriously.

Kyoya rolled his eyes, "Just keep driving, idiot."

They drove into an alleyway, it was quite run down.

"This is seriously how you get there?"

"I think so..."

"And you're sure we're going the right way?" Kyoya looked out at the cemetery as they passed.

"Uh yeah!" Tamaki shook his head slightly, looking back on the road.

They then ended up on a farm dirt road road, wooden fencing running along the sides of the roads.

"Why the hell are you driving backwards?"Kyoya looked at him.

"I think I went the wrong way." Tamaki replied sheepishly.

They eventually pulled into another alley, but then into a back parking lot of a building. There was a tall wrought iron fence around the door.

"Here we are!" Tamaki motioned fantastically out the front window.

"This place looks creepy as hell." Kyoya stated, glaring at Tamaki.

They climbed out Tamaki singing, "Through the iron wrought fence to the metal green... creepy... door..."

Kyoya sighed, following behind him, holding the camera steadily. He kept it on Tamaki.

"See? It says 'Enter Here'! So this must be the place!" He knocked heartily on the door.

A shady looking man shot out as Tamaki went to say something to Kyoya.

"Whaddya want?!" he shouted.

Tamaki looked at him wide eyed, "Uhhh are you the guy with the free food coupon?"

Tamaki held it out to him, looking at him.

"Oh yes! The coupon! The coupon!" the creepy guy grabbed it and pushed the door open, "Come in! Come in!"

Tamaki looked at Kyoya and the camera, a victorious look on his face. As Tamaki walked in Kyoya turned the camera to face himself, a confused/creeped out look on his face. He followed behind him.

"No wonder the food in this place is free..." Kyoya stated, looking at the wood work bench with a bunch of tools behind it, "This place looks like cra-"

He was cut off as a guy-that looked the same as the other one, just chopped off hair- popped up out of nowhere in a fancy blue shirt with a black vest, holding two menus.

"Hey guys! You can just follow me up these here stairs!" he whipped around and started to walk quickly up the stairs.

Kyoya turned to Tamaki and Tamaki pointed back at him, "Was that the same guy...?"

"I-I don't know." Kyoya muttered, confused as to what was happening.

So they walked up the stairs, the guy warning them to watch their step. Kyoya mocked him under his breath, following Tamaki up the stairs.

The two sat down at their table and picked up their menus. Tamaki looked to Kyoya, "I can't decide what to have!"

Kyoya rolled his eyes, "It's not that hard, Tamaki. There are only two things on the menu."

He was indeed right, their two choices were mushroom pie or a burger. And both were ridiculously overpriced even for them.

"When you narrow it down it all comes to whether you want something that looks good or something that looks like shit?" Kyoya told him, running the camera over the menu as he talked.

Tamaki looked up to Kyoya, "What do you think is in a mushroom pie? Pickles and cucumbers?"

Kyoya sighed, "Please tell me you're just trying to be funny."

Tamaki began to sulk in his chair.

Kyoya turned the camera on himself, "This place better have the best food on earth since they're charging so much for a thing of mushroom crap. So that's why we're going with burgers."

Tamaki nodded excitedly, "Burgers sound good!"

So the two sat in silence, Tamaki playing with the silverware and Kyoya filming the room. They were waiting on their waitress. Then a guy that looked exactly like the other two walked up to them in a waitress uniform, holding a pad of paper and a pen.

"Hey ya'll, I'll be your waitress today. My name's Aiko." The man/woman told the two.

They exchanged looks and looked back to the man/woman.

"What can I get ya for?" she asked, clicking her pen.

"Uh, can I have the burger?" Tamaki asked, looking at her/him.

"We got mushroom pie." the man/woman responded.

Kyoya looked at her confused, "But it says here that you have a burger here. So where's the burger?"

"We got mushroom pie." she/he said again, more forcefully and widening her/his eyes as he/she spoke.

"If we can't have a burger, why did you put it on the menu?" Kyoya asked irritated with the woman/man.

Kyoya and Tamaki both looked to where he/she had been standing, only to see an empty space where she/he was standing.

"What the hell?" Kyoya said/asked.

"Did she just leave us?" Tamaki exclaimed.

"Excuse eh moi." a fake French voice came from the other side of the table.

Both men jumped and looked to see the same exact guy except now he was in a chef's uniform and was placing plates of mushroom pie in front of them both.

"I apologize for the wait."

"Okay, I-I don't get it. How are you doing this?" Tamaki asked him.

He looked at the two of them with a puzzled expression, "I do not know what you speak of."

"Are you playing a prank on us or what?" Tamaki asked again, looking at him wanting to know his secrets.

"I'm a sorry, I do not a speak thee English!" he exclaimed, "Au revoir!"

Then he was gone, leaving Tamaki to continue muttering his sentence.

Kyoya turned the camera again on himself, "This is the weirdest lunch ever..."

He turned back to Tamaki who was trying to get some of the soupy pie onto his fork, "This smells horrible."

Kyoya began playing with his own food, "Can we just get out of here, Tamaki?"

"No mon ami! We have to give a rating, then we can get out of here." Tamaki exclaimed.

"Fine. but then we are getting out of here..."

Tamaki began doing some weird little dance and singing a weird song in French.

"HEY!" the same guy except now in a cowboy outfit shouted, "I'm trying to have a decent meal!"

Kyoya turned the camera away from him and back on Tamaki, "Okay then..."

Tamaki smiled and took a bite, almost throwing up afterwards, "0. Give it a zero."

Then Tamaki's phone went off. And while he answered the text, Kyoya felt like someone was watching them, so he looked over with the camera and saw the cowboy dude watching them sternly.

"What does the text say?"

"It says 'There's no escape. I've sealed the place up tight.' Kyoyaaa what is that supposed to mean?!"

"Exactly what it says, this psycho is planning on killing us!" Kyoya pulled out his phone and started dialing the black onion squad's extension number.

"What are you doing, Kyoya?"

"I'm calling my police force."

"Do what?" Tamaki asked, taking the camera from him and putting it on him.

"I'm not going to die here." Kyoya replied, Tamaki scrunched up his face when he got the cowboy in the shot from behind Kyoya.

Kyoya turned around and then turned right back to face Tamaki.

"Has he been staring at us this whole time?" Tamaki asked.

Kyoya nodded, "Last time I checked he was staring at us..."

Tamaki tried to not get the man in the shot, but he couldn't help but shake as he could still see him staring.

"Kyoya, that guy won't stop looking at us." Tamaki whispered.

He did a close up of Kyoya, the guy looking around casually in the background and then staring directly into the camera as Kyoya spoke, "We've been waiting for almost twenty minutes for the cops to come."

"Can you just call them back, Kyoyaaaaa? I'm getting scared!" He handed Kyoya the camera again.

"This is the police!" came from downstairs, the door opening.

The two shot up from the table and went running down the stairs, Tamaki behind Kyoya chanting for him to move faster. They got downstairs and Tamaki grabbed the cop by the shoulders, "Help! Get us out of here."

The cop turned around and it was the same guy! He looked at them smirking, "Why would you want to leave?"

The two shouted and ran back up the stairs, shouting and swearing the whole time. The man stood downstairs laughing evilly, going on about how he will become the new owner of the Host Club.

Tamaki who somehow got the camera again, turned on the night vision and pointed it on himself.

"K-Kyoya... What should we do?" He turned the camera next to him to see the guy dressed as Kyoya.

"We should stay here forever." he replied, mocking Kyoya's voice.

Tamaki shrieked and tried to escape, falling over some boxes and being tackled by the man.

That's when the camera got shut off and the last time anyone saw the two Host Club members again.

* * *

So that was just weird but fun to write. I know most of it is just copying what they had with a few adjustments but I figured it'd be interesting to write. :P

~Hita Says Good Bye~


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